Give me a break

So, I'm taking a break and disconnecting from a things like facebook and this blog for a little while. Maybe a week. Maybe the month of May. I am mentally exhausted, spread much too thin, and far too distracted from the things that matter most. When I am gone for seven weeks, and perhaps someday for much longer periods of time, God will be the only constant. I want and need for Him to be the only thing I lean on.

I have been drowning out the Lord with noise from my busy life--planning things, finals, Maymester (starts tomorrow), work, the future, "religious activity", cleaning, creative avoidance (facebook, blogger, television), health issues, sleeping. He's been working on my heart, pursuing me, and showing me things about myself I didn't want to face, so I've been running and I'm done with that. I want to know my Father, my Savior, my Everything in a more real way than I've ever imagined. I want Him to have my whole heart. I don't want to think about how great something from my time with the Lord will sound as a facebook status (how trite and shallow!!), or how "selfless" an excerpt from my journal may appear on my blog (even though that's what I'm doing right now........). It's all a facade, really. Putting on a mask by saying that I'm not putting on mask?! I want to be REAL with people, I want to be OPEN, and I want to be vulnerable. But first, I have to be dependent only upon Christ.

I don't want to think about how I want to be pursued by my future husband, as though marriage is something I am entitled to. I want to know what it's like to be fully aware of Christ's pursuit of my heart. Only. I long to spend time with him daily, joyfully and willingly. I reluctantly admit that it doesn't always happen that way. Not really even very close. I'm so far from what I think a biblical, loving wife should be, so I shouldn't even be thinking about companionship apart from Christ alone in the first place, until I am fully satisfied in Him alone.

I want God's love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and goodness and faithfulness and gentleness and self-control to flow out of me. I want to be joyfully proclaiming His name and the message because I live, breathe and believe it. Right now, I don't constantly live, breathe and believe it. I'm just being honest. I have been teaching and training students to live out a faith that I don't always understand or know myself. We've been going through deep idols and the difference in self-righteousness/licentiousness, which are not gospel-true. Yet, all along, I've just been in teach mode, but not in learn mode. Oh, how much I struggle with the idols of control and approval, which manifest themselves all of over my life. What a self-righteous life I lead! I grew up on a "Christian checklist" and earning my salvation through a works-based faith, and I'm still doing that! With my head, I can tell you that grace is unmerited favor, but my heart is still hard to believe it. Lord, help my unbelief!

I found an old journal entry from June 21, 2010, very short, very heavy, very exasperated. 
"Show me how to have an intimate relationship with You. Faith based on head knowledge. View of love based on earning." 

I have been saying with my mouth, "I give these things up to God, they are in His control." But with my heart, I have then taken them, locked them away in a metaphorical trunk labeled, "IN GOD'S WILL, THANK YOU."  I truly want to open my grasp and give Him control, but I think it has to be a daily giving up, daily struggle. I read something that said "If you keep trying to carry out your intentions while God is leading you in another direction, you deify your desires." Ouch! And so, because I'm so forgetful, I've taken some visible actions to remind myself daily the things I want to give to God and discover His will for me. Not write my will for them, and label them "God's will." Things like control, the future, Germany (my long to go there can be idolatrous, even if it is what the Lord wants), desire for companionship, marriage, my whole heart, desire for independence, approval, comfort, school. I'm giving them over, but I will have to loosen my grip on the things I cling to daily. And so, daily, it shall be. 

Rapper?

Rapper is such a boring term! Other types of artists are showered with credit and unique names (rock star, queen of ___, pop star, celebrity, indie goddess, singer gone actress, model gone singer), but when it comes to those lyrical geniuses, what else can they be called?

Let's brainstorm, shall we?
-Swag machine
-Thug monster
-Gangsta man
-Beat bringer

...well, I planned for the list to be much more expansive, but I've suddenly run out of inspiration...
perhaps we should stick with rapper or swag machine, I believe those are best suited.

I am thankful for. . .

. . . this beautiful weather!
Praise the Lord for such glorious rays of sunshine, the perfect temperature, and the best shades of green around. I even got to read articles for my research paper by pool yesterday for two hours and am developing a nice crisp.
. . . my stressful German exam on Friday  
being changed to a take-home exam on Wednesday and not due until Monday! 
. . . tidiness! 
Our apartment has been quite clean for a few days, and has stayed that way, as has my bedroom. It's amazing how much more driven I can be in a clutter-free environment! Speaking of: 
. . . motivation!  
We are at that point in the semester where everything is converging at once!  Way too many projects, exams, research papers and the like to even discuss, but I'm nearing the point of stress-overload (which leads to crawling under the covers and refusing to come out). However, this weekend I have gotten quite a bit done, and with the exception of this blog to sing praises to Him who brings life, I am still motivated to be productive today! I prayed last night as I was falling asleep to have a desire and spirit of productivity today, and the Lord has provided. Why I am I still surprised when that happens? Oh....
. . . someone to take my lease! 
I will be out of the country for several weeks this summer, and I have found a wonderful new friend named Bonnie to live in my apartment and pay my lease for the months of June, July and August! What a blessing not to pay rent for an empty room :) And we got along so wonderfully, I cannot wait to get to know her better and hangout more! She found out about my apartment through The City, a social networking tool my church utilizes. 
. . . prayers and funds :) 
I have sent out the majority of my support letters for my Germany trip, and funds and feedback have already begun to drift in. Praise the Lord! 
. . . my cats

I love them a lot. I have two (my sister has one as well), but they live all the way in Justin :( Woody has been my baby since I was in Kindergarten! And I'm pretty sure Tanner has brain damage because he's so weird, but so funny. Above is Tanner, expressing his affection to my shoe. He was loving and kissing and hugging it for a solid ten minutes. I have a video. Below is Woody, telling me I'm not allowed to leave for school since he took my backpack hostage. 

. . . my appointment with the neurologist in May. 
I would really love not having a headache daily, and migraine weekly (at least), when I live in Germany for seven weeks. It would be so wonderful to feel healthy!!!! I recently got some new medication, which is actually anti-seizure medication, to help with migraines. I haven't had one, but my headaches seem to be more frequent and stubborn. hmph.  
. . . being single. . . 
though I do sometimes (okay, okay, often) complain about how everyone (but really, everyone) is engaged, married, or headed in that direction, I really am thankful and blessed for the place God has me in my singleness. I am so busy and thinly spread as it is with school, work and extra-curriculars through church, I would hardly have time for a companion! And as I am preparing to relocate to Germany as a mission-school student/missionary, my singleness is truly an advantage gifted from the Lord. Praises to Him! 
(I do, however, reserve the right to say that if the Lord were to bring a man into my life whose life-purpose, goals, and visions align with mine, I might find some time for him;).
. . . the church. 
not necessarily, the Village Church, though I am incredibly thankful for the growth, teaching and community I have found there. I am referring to the body of Christ, the family of brothers and sisters who I can lean on and love on, grow with and grow through, struggle with and help through struggle. Recently, I have received several emails from brothers across the globe in Germany and Switzerland in regards to my upcoming trip to Germany, or in regards to my potential relocation after graduation. They are so open, loving, and desiring of missionaries to come to Europe--I already feel so welcome and loved, and I haven't even met them yet! 
. . . the cheeseburger I just ate. 
awful for me, but it tasted so good! 
. . . home

I'll be moving home for a few weeks in June, and commuting to work & church in Denton, until I leave for Germany on the 27th. I'll also be living there when I return on August 13th until I move back into my apartment on September 1st. I love that small town, out in the middle of nowhere, see the stars at night, relish the smell of manure, remember the sound of crickets and coyotes place. It feels like home (well, it is), and I love all of the memories that live there.

 Seriously, how can you look at these pictures and not see how beautiful God's creation is!? Lovely :) Favorite parts of the drive home.










. . . Family 
I love my family very much, and I love how honest and open we can be with one another. It is always many laughs when we are together (many, many laughs), and I'm looking forward to spending some time with them when I move home for a few weeks in June & August. Below is a picture with my Meme & Papa (dad's parents) on Easter Sunday when we met for brunch. 

Meaningless babble post. .

I've never been a fan of The Office. I have tried by watching an episode here and there, because so many of my friends find it so funny. I never found it funny, though, because I believe many of the jokes and insinuations are only humorous because of the character personalities that have been developed in previous episodes. And so, my great roommate, Lainy (with whom I have been friends since eighth grade), decided to "turn" me into an office fan by starting from the beginning.

 We bought a dozen rolls from Grandy's for like $3 (yeah, about eating Paleo...we'll get to that in a moment...) and rented the first two seasons from Hastings (with my awesome discount, I might add). And slowly but surely, I now say I enjoy the Office. Except, it wasn't that slowly since I started season 1 on Tuesday night, and am almost finished with season 3 today. Congratulations, Lainy. Mission accomplished, monster created.


Paleo. Paleo is a wonderfully healthy lifestyle. It made me feel great, and I definitely noticed a difference in my body in the (almost) three weeks I attempted to strictly adhere to it. That being said, it is definitely strict, quite time consuming, and a bit costly. I believe the premise behind it is worthwhile, but for now I am going to take a rest from strict Paleo. I am still going to make an effort to avoid dairy products, refined sugar, and especially grains, but I'm not going to guilt myself if I can't eat completely Paleo. I say especially grains because when I [cheated] and had them, after not having eaten them for two weeks, they hurt my stomach the most, and noticed some "puffiness" in my tummy. So there ya have it---great lifestyle, not completely for me.

I grew up with headaches and migraines. If you've never had a migraine, for starters, count yourself lucky, but you might not understand that there's a difference between the two (headache vs. migraine). Allow me to briefly explain! A headache is a nuisance and hurts a lot. A migraine can start as a headache and progress, or it just announces itself from the start as a migraine. It is a debilitating, painful experience where light is blinding, thinking hurts, standing makes you dizzy and the pain can often be so immense that you vomit. Over the past year, my migraines have become much more frequent but were tempered with some great prescription meds from my fabulous doctor. One bottle (almost empty, now..) that usually do the trick, and another type--Maxalt--which is incredibly expensive and no longer covered by insurance, so those babies are reserved for when I'm basically dying. Over the past couple weeks, though, my migraines have gotten worse and more frequent again, causing me to miss class a few times. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so hopefully that will help me get all fixed up.

School this week has been pretty mild, which is a wonderful change in pace... but with more exams coming up and two research papers due soon, I have a lot that I should be getting started on. Also, I have finally addressed and stamped most of my support letters, so they'll be shipping out tomorrow! 

Lastly, for this completely random and irrelevant post, I'm going to briefly mention the book titled, Brucko, by Bruce Olsen. It's about a missionary who, at the age of 19, followed the Lord's direction to reach an Indian tribe, even when everyone was against the idea. Over the course of his lifetime he was able to reach the Motolone (sp?) tribe, and others as well, with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am probably going to write a little later about what I've read so far, but for now, I'll leave this as a mostly pointless life update. I almost hope you didn't read that, because you probably wasted a few minutes of your life! ; )

Covered in Righteousness!

Happy Easter!
Christ has come as a covering sacrifice, dying in our place to exchange God's wrath on our sinful lives for a righteousness we could never earn. He didn't stay dead, though! If He had, everything we (as followers of Christ) believe is meaningless, He'd be nothing but a martyr. Instead, He rose from the dead!

He came willing to die a death we deserve and He came pure, holy and blameless. All our righteous acts (everything good we do on our own) are like filthy rags (literally menstrual rags, sorry for that image?). We all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. (Isaiah 64:6). Yet through Christ's death, those who place their entire lives and being and faith in Him and Him alone, are cleansed and made righteous.

I've grown up in church. I've served in the church in some way almost my entire life, whether that be through helping at VBS, leading worship, leading bible studies. I've always tried to do the right thing, and have never been much of one to stray from the "goody two-shoes" life. But you know what? No matter how many Sundays of church I attend, or how many homeless mouths I feed, or how many good things I do, I am still a filthy, lying, thieving, murderous, idolatrous, covetous, adulterous sinner.... without Christ. And IN Christ I am covered in His righteousness, seen as Christ!

Last week, Beau Hughes, my campus pastor at The Village Church, say that "too often the gospel gets stuck between our head and our hearts, but when it finally clicks, it begins to transform your life and will produce a fruit of love for other people." Am I loving others? Yes, but not with the fervor for which Christ does.

Tonight, Matt Chandler, our head pastor, explained how the Law (known often as the 10 Commandments), which everyone is judged by, no longer has the freedom to terrorize at the point one places their faith in Christ. So I am inherently evil and disgusting and sinful, but because I have placed my faith in Christ, I am no longer bound by the law! I have freedom from sin and instead can rejoice in the Law, praising the Lord for this "diagnostic" to show me how much I need Christ. Praises!!



SO basically, this was the Easter post you were probably expecting... but really, it was more for me to be able to get these thoughts down and work them out through the written word. I'm still feeling a little dry spiritually, but it is comforting to know that the Lord loves me, regardless of how I sometimes feel. He will provide (and keeps proving that to me time and time again)!

Untitled

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel lonely. and sad. and overwhelmed. and stressed. and tired. Combined, they don't equate to a very pretty equation. Life is a lot to handle, and I've been having trouble finding the purpose in it all, lately. This week I've felt quite distant from my Lord, and I know that it's because I haven't been pressing into Him, spending time with Him. And I know that the reason I feel like life is kind of pointless is because I haven't been finding my purpose in the only One who is worth living for. It's the cycle I find myself falling into again, and again. I am thankful for grace, that covers me even when I don't understand it. I am praying for a renewed desire to find my strength and purpose in the Lord, for the flame to be fanned within my soul. I'm praying for perseverance to keep going, even when I feel like hiding somewhere and never coming out. I'm praying for strength and purpose.

Prayers and funds.

I'm preparing to send out support letters soon for my upcoming mission trip. Though I only lack $800 (which is not much in terms of trip costs!), my main purpose in sending this letter is to let people know what the Lord is doing in my heart in regards to long-term missions in Germany. Here's a rough draft of my letter (I've never been short winded...)

My prayer is that this letter finds you in a time of blessing and growth in the Lord. I am currently finishing up my junior year at the University of North Texas as an Entrepreneurship Major, minoring in German. A covenant member at The Village Church, I am growing spiritually and am involved in leading a middle school home group. My heart is filled with so many wonderful, exciting, terrifying (in a good way!) things that this letter won’t do them justice—the Lord is working in powerful ways!

This summer, I will be spending almost seven weeks in Germany through Kontaktmission (KM), a Europe-based mission organization, on staff with a series of Bible camps in Paderborn, Germany. For the past year, I have been in prayer that the Lord would open the doors for me to spend the summer abroad, and He has provided beyond my imagination. Through my mission trip this summer I will be immersed in the German language, surrounded by the gospel, and will have the opportunity to share Christ cross-culturally with German students. Much more than a summer-abroad, though, I am viewing this trip as preparation to relocate to Germany as a full-time missionary, possibly in partnership with Kontaktmission.

The Lord has wired into me a desire and love for the German-speaking world. I’ve been aware of the Lord stirring my heart and affections towards the lost from the age of 14, after having completed my first year of German and taken a short-term mission trip to Cologne, Germany. It is difficult to describe why I am drawn to this particular culture-group; all I can explain is that I have an unquenchable longing deep within my soul to join a people whom I have never met, which to me only exhibits God’s sovereignty. In Europe, the resistance to the gospel is primarily through personal choice as the result of post-Christian societal and culture trends. Though once the primary sending hub for missionaries, Europe’s percentage of the population of evangelical Christians is only 3.1%, with Germany weighing in at 2.9% and Austria at a mere 0.4%, according to KM.

With my time in college nearing its end, I am seeking the Lord’s guidance in long-term relocation to Germany upon graduation in May 2013. Through the past few months, I have definitely felt the Lord solidify in my heart that I am called to Germany, however that may look. This trip will serve as a stepping stone into the culture and will provide clarity into my next step in this journey. Though I am still in prayerful consideration and seeking the Lord, KM has a 3-year mission school on-site in Germany that will provide cross-cultural missionary training, equipping me to join a church-planting team in Europe.

My main purpose of this letter is to ask, first and foremost, for your prayer. I believe the power of prayer is the most important aspect of this journey I am on towards relocation. Please pray for discernment of the Lord’s will for me in long-term missions. Pray for clarity through this trip, that the Lord will solidify in my heart if this is His calling for my life, and if I am to partner with Kontaktmission. Pray for the hearts of those I will come in contact with in Germany, that even now they will be softened, ready for what the Lord will do through Padercamp.

The Lord has been incredibly faithful in providing the funds for this trip, as my airfare is already purchased and paid for! All I am lacking to make the trip from June 27-August 13 is around $800, which will help to cover transportation in Germany, food and the few overnight stays that are not included with the camp. I am confident that the Lord will provide the last portion of my financial need, but I implore you to prayerfully consider being a part of something much greater by helping to send me to Germany this summer. There is no gift too small, the Lord will use everything! If you find yourself able to help support me financially, please see the attached commitment card for a tax-deductible gift. Any non-deductible gifts you choose to give can be sent directly to me at this return address.

Once again, I covet your prayers throughout this summer and beyond, as I discern what the Lord has for me, and any financial contributions you feel led to donate are most appreciated. The Lord is doing so much in my heart and in my life that I cannot express everything in this letter (it’s already “too long” as it is!), so please do not hesitate to give me a call or drop me an email if you want to further discuss any aspect of how the Lord is working. I would love to hear from you! Over the next month I will follow-up with you to assure you received my letter and answer any questions you might have for me.  

Blessings in Jesus Christ,

L. Meaghan Brown
“How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!’ “ Romans 10:14-15