Canceled 2013 Trip to Germany

I don't know why the background and text are all weird looking. Odd.

Family and Friends, 

It is with a heavy but peaceful heart that I write you all with the decision to cancel support-raising for my return trip to Germany this summer. Though I would love nothing more than to visit all of the wonderful friends I met last summer and help out with English Camp, I have prayed about it and spent some time weighing my thoughts. 

After this prayerful reflection, I truly feel as though the timing is not right. I do not feel as though the Lord has it for to me return this summer, but I am praying now that next summer I will be able to return. 

There are many reasons why I feel Germany is not where I need to spend my summer. To briefly describe them, this last semester at UNT is incredibly stressful and time consuming, and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I need to take this summer to  recover and learn what it is to have personal time and strengthen my relationship with the Lord. To make the story short, I've been struggling lately in that relationship and I do not feel as though I am in the place to go on a mission trip. I am truly looking forward to a quiet, relaxed, focused summer and cannot wait until I have so much less to focus on, even if for a short time.

Financially speaking, I really need to work this summer without having to ask off for three weeks: I have Seminary to pay for, amongst other things.I will also be transitioning to a new town, new home, new church, and new school, and believe it would be best to allow myself some uninterrupted time to become familiar with the new surroundings the Lord has placed me in, as well as begin to foster relationships here that will either be my community or my ministry. While my heart still yearns to return to Germany daily (with no exaggeration), we are also called to minister and be content where the Lord has us in present time. A famous quote by Jim Eliot says, "Where you are, be all there."

I'm sure you understand my reasoning, and why I truly feel as though I should not return to Paderborn this summer, though it still pains me that I won't be able to see the many loving faces that I miss so much. I will continue self-studying German this summer in my spare time, and hope to return in the near future. I know I will be back. 

Thank you to those who were willing to support me on this trip: your prayer is still 

encouraged and appreciated, for all of the reasons I've briefly described in this email. You can be sure to hear updates from me in the future!

In Christ, 

Meag

Sabbath & Sojourning

I've been very poor at blogging lately, even though I enjoy it so much! Even if nobody reads it, it's quite refreshing to be able to detail my feelings, thoughts, lessons learned, and memories enjoyed. In the midst of the chaos that is two part-time jobs and 12 hours of exit-level courses, writing can be therapeutic.

As of late, I've felt very convicted about being much more intentional about my relationship with Christ. It is so easy for me to fall into the "busy, busy, busy!" mindset of routine, and forget to slow down and rest in the perfect peace that transcends all understanding. A good friend of mine is blogging through the Old Testament, and her recent post brought to light something I've felt tugging on my heart for quite some time: a Sabbath. Long story short, I work on the weekends, and have school and another job during the week, so a day of rest is something long forgotten. However, there is a day, Wednesday, where my school obligations are minimal and there are no shifts to be worked, so I will begin Sabbath-ing on that mid-week gem of a day. We'll see how it goes! I look forward to remembering how to rest in the Lord.

 Now, here's my normal post (I'm going to try and speed this up, or I'll still be blogging about last summer when I return to Paderborn this summer!)
I'm currently blogging through my summer mission trip to Germany! If you haven't yet, read this!

July 6, 2012
Today I will GO TO PADERCAMP. I've been with the Schulz family for the past 2 days and it has been so great to be with believers.

Lydia is a wonderful, wise woman of the Lord and it's been such a blessing to spend the days with her, Jannis & Finni. I've really been enjoying her company, and I'm sad to leave her and the kids :( But excited to go to Padercamp! :D She's been filling me on on many, many, MANY things (From the differences in TX and here, to dating, marriage, benefits of getting married young, ministry, being the wife of a miister, raising support, raising kids--we've discussed just about the whole world. She's really great to talk to and really wise.) She also clued me in on Padercamp so I know a little more of what to expect now. I also got to sleep in this morning and it was glorious: first chance to sleep more than 6 hours in a row the whole time I've been here. WOO!

I also have enjoyed the little time I've gotten to talk with Juergen; he's also full of great advice. He gives a lot of it too, and always steering me towards Germany-- "well, maybe you should just come to Germany for a bible college" or "well, maybe if the food here is not bothering you that is God telling you you belong here" (quite humorous!) and he's full of good ideas. We spoke a long time yesterday about all the needs in Europe in general, not just Germany. He also brought up a ministry coffee shop, which I obviously found very interesting! There are a vast amount of needs in the churches here in order to reach the cities and the people who haven't heard the Good News, and not near enough people to meet them.

Overall, these two days have been a truly blessed time. I can clearly feel the Lord speaking specifically through Lydia in many things--and also I just love their kids! I definitely want kids now. Never have I had inklings toward motherhood before, but I've "seen the light" with a fresh pair of eyes. (Maybe I just want cute babies who speak German....). The Lord has been so gracious with the beautiful weather so far! Not a drop of rain. Also, I understand much of the language, but cannot say near the amount that i would like to. It's a point of frustration.

James 1:11b, "so also will the rich man fade away in his pursuits"

Here are some pictures from downtown Paderborn, where Lydia took me:

 *********************************************************************************

July 9, 2012
I'm understanding more and more, but there is still so much I don't understand. My speech is also a little better, but I can understand SO much more than I can speak. On the first night at Padercamp, with just the leaders, I was overcome by grace and the Lord's presence. Together with the universal church, hearing the Gospel in German, taking the Lord's supper, singing songs about Christ's love, friendship, and high priest-ness in German--I was crying from His beauty, but tried to hold it in... the people here don't seem near as emotional as I am. I've cried everyday, actually. Sometimes they are tears of joy for grace, other times tears of being overwhelmed by the language and missing familiarity.

Yesterday (Day 2 of Padercamp, week 1) started out very hard: I was missing home, family, English, friends;  I was overwhelmed; I was tired; I couldn't communicate with the teens in my group well (they placed me as a LEADER during a week taught in German...what!?)... However, the day improved--I was able to communicate that I am not unfriendly, I just can't say much. They all (boys/girls) had fun getting me to say hard words in German, and they enjoy learning words in English. It's getting better, but there isn't much free time at al. I'm really not have a lot of good time in the Lord alone (or in English), and I only sleep about 5 - 5.5 hours every night. It's kind of tiring...

Here are some pictures from Week 1 (sorry for the wonky formatting):

Meeting our group for the first time!

And going on a "hike"

We had to take a group photo: the theme of the week was
VIP (hence the nice dress). 

Moving into the camp!

Building things (like benches) for our "hotel"

My bedroom for the week:
The blue sleeping bag & everything to the right

The girls' tent

We made a coat & shoe rack!

Soaking in His Presence

I'm currently blogging through my summer mission trip to Germany! If you haven't yet, read this!

July 2, 2012

My view whilst journaling

Today is my first to be alone and I'm quite excited to spend the day in communion with the Lord and gathered in my thoughts. I'm on a park bench underneath a willow tree overlooking a beautiful river surrounded by fancy buildings and filled with ducks. I just dropped Katie off for her internship -first day- she was so nervous! But I know she will do great. My hand is already cramping up from from all the kayaking we did yesterday. My muscles are so tired!

Katie's face, expressing her feelings! 

 I've never been more tired at night, but never been more excited to wake up in the mornings than I am on this trip. I'm learning to appreciate things I didn't think I'd miss so quickly--the community of believers is the quickest to notice. Staying with Katie and the Holts is wonderful, but since I've lived with Katie Chung, I've always had community around me. Moreover, there is a noticeable absence of churches here. I saw one "Gemeinschaft der Evangelischen Kirche" when I was in Luebeck, but otherwise their presence is severely lacking. There are beautiful cathedrals, which are tourist attractions, history museums, and scarcely used. When they are, they are not gospel-centric and are missing grace. It's a very strict "stiff-pewed" religion, as Scott put it. He said religion is really "dead" here and was quite surprised to hear that I was going to a Bible camp. Andrea, who didn't seem to have any religious convictions, even said to me when I mentioned my future "career" that, "Germany really needs some Missionaries." This coming from a native German who I don't have reason to believe is born again (though I cannot judge hearts) is astounding and convicting!

My heart is softened even more. The people here do seem quite stiff and serious on the outside--no one smiles, the trains are quiet; but I also think it's just a shell and part of their culture to be so self-preserved. When I wished the guy on the train "Gesundheit" after he sneezed, he immediately started talking to me. I believe people are just fine and open with talking, they just don't always initiate it. I must initiate.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I felt the Lord speaking to me, whispering to keep watch over the weight and importance I place on things of Germany and the culture. It's so easy for me to become infatuated and entangled with the things of  this land without keeping sight of Who and what truly matters. It's an easy trap for me to fall into and worship the "Germany-god" and not the God who reigns over all, including Germany. Take the world and give me Jesus!

"Hallelujah, God is is here! Open up your eyes and the splendor of His majesty; the beauty of the mighty King." ...even here!

God is no more or less here in Germany than He is in the U.S., but I've felt quite distant from Him because I haven't been able to spend time with the Lord in large, solitary amounts since I arrived. I praise Him for today, where I have all day to spend soaking in His presence. I praise God for safe travels, language retention, teaching me to be flexible, to lean on God and trust. Father is teaching me so much. I can feel preconceived notions melting away--my control issues (especially in the car), my need to always feel clean and pretty, the thought that a bed should be big and comfy--really a cushion on the ground is just fine! I'm okay with minimal makeup and sloppy hair--they'll become so anyways. God is teaching me to find beauty in His creation (though it's not very hard to appreciate here).

Germans really feel the need for Jesus, they just don't know it. They all want to be happy--they are so health conscious (organic food, market fresh, swarmed to the parks where everyone is jogging, speed walking, bike riding, fit-centering). Life coaches and emotion-coaches are quite normal here (I've seen ads everywhere!). Everyone wants to make a positive impact on the environment by recycling, being energy efficient, using bikes & public transportation. There are seminars on how to improve your life and be happy by keeping your outlook, "in the now" or "in the moment." It sounds good on the outside, but really it is just teaching people not to think about the future--what happens after death. All of these things are good things, but they are filling up the aching and longing that desires more. It cannot be satisfied with anything but Jesus.

My adventures today (thus far!) include another beautiful park, a million beautiful side streets with the most incredible upscale architecture, wandering the streets of Eppendorf, enjoyed a coffee in "World Coffee" along with reading (George Mueller's Autobiography) and some Jesus, ventured around some second-hand shops, a grocery store, a really cool book store with free coffee and hot cocoa, ate some Eiss, found more awesomeness in a huge park, und jetzt moechte ich eine Nickerchen!

Beautiful memories

I'm currently blogging through my summer mission trip to Germany! If you haven't yet, read this!

I'm going to skip the next couple of listed journal entries, and provide pictures from my second and third days in Germany instead. I apologize in advance for the alignment of the photos--Blogger is not my friend. I'd like to get to the meaningful entries and updates and share the things I experienced in my heart, not just the fun activities (which were still awesome!). However, because I am too chronological, I have to show you pieces of everything before I get to the rest!

6/30/12, Saturday
Day 2 in Germany

We began the day with a delicious traditional German breakfast spread

 

French press coffee, Broetchen, different assortments of cheese and meat.
I even tried liverwurst and really liked it!

Next the Holts took us to Luebeck, by way of back roads so that we could enjoy the beautiful scenery of Schleswig-Holstein. Everything was so green and perfect. Here's Luebeck!

The devil outside the Cathedral

Scott wouldn't let us go in until I hugged the guy!

Luebeck was spectacular! A cool town with lots of history and awesome architecture. We went to the Marzipan store--Marzipan everything! After we walked all over the town, we went to the beach (we were in the Baltic Sea, I believe) in a place called Scharbeutz. It was so nice to enjoy the sun (and it not be 100 degrees;), and then we ate at a seafood restaurant and finished up the evening with ice cream at sundown.
Here is Scharbeutz!

The water was frigid!

7/1/12 Sunday
Day 3 in Germany
I couldn't believe it was already July! Scott made us more delicious food (he was always cooking amazing dishes) and then we set off for Pluem, where Andrea's parents live. Her dad was very nice to speak to me a little bit in German, and he later was confused if I was American or French. Apparently, my accent sounded French to him--interesting. Here are pictures of their adorable home and amazing view from their backyard!

Our journey of the day was kayaking! We put together a fold-up kayak belonging to the Holts so that Katie & Scott could launch it from Andrea's parents. Meanwhile, Andrea & I went up the river to rent a kayak and met our counterparts at a fork in the water! Long story short, the kayak Andrea & I were in was not near as easy to maneuver as the other one, so we we opted for only 2.5 hours of total kayak time, and met Katie & Scott by car at a precious little cafe nestled into the river.

Happy Kayak-er! It was my first time, and Andrea let me sit in
the back so I could learn how to steer with the pedals!

Enjoying coffee, cocoa, wurstchen and cake!

It's literally right on the river! Also, I was freezing!

Here is the excerpt from my journal entry that Sunday evening. Thanks for viewing! I'm really missing these experiences, but being able to post about it is helping me to keep it sharp in my mind.

"I am looking forward to having the day alone tomorrow in the city. I need some time to spend in communion with the Lord, reflect on my experiences, and prepare my heart for the rest of my trip. I'm praying tonight for opportunities tomorrow to engage Germans in conversation about the gospel. May I be so bold and may the Lord guide my words. It's raining right now, and it's really wonderful sitting here beneath the Holts' sun room listening to the drizzle and being awed by the lightning. I am so content."

Give me a break

So, I'm taking a break and disconnecting from a things like facebook and this blog for a little while. Maybe a week. Maybe the month of May. I am mentally exhausted, spread much too thin, and far too distracted from the things that matter most. When I am gone for seven weeks, and perhaps someday for much longer periods of time, God will be the only constant. I want and need for Him to be the only thing I lean on.

I have been drowning out the Lord with noise from my busy life--planning things, finals, Maymester (starts tomorrow), work, the future, "religious activity", cleaning, creative avoidance (facebook, blogger, television), health issues, sleeping. He's been working on my heart, pursuing me, and showing me things about myself I didn't want to face, so I've been running and I'm done with that. I want to know my Father, my Savior, my Everything in a more real way than I've ever imagined. I want Him to have my whole heart. I don't want to think about how great something from my time with the Lord will sound as a facebook status (how trite and shallow!!), or how "selfless" an excerpt from my journal may appear on my blog (even though that's what I'm doing right now........). It's all a facade, really. Putting on a mask by saying that I'm not putting on mask?! I want to be REAL with people, I want to be OPEN, and I want to be vulnerable. But first, I have to be dependent only upon Christ.

I don't want to think about how I want to be pursued by my future husband, as though marriage is something I am entitled to. I want to know what it's like to be fully aware of Christ's pursuit of my heart. Only. I long to spend time with him daily, joyfully and willingly. I reluctantly admit that it doesn't always happen that way. Not really even very close. I'm so far from what I think a biblical, loving wife should be, so I shouldn't even be thinking about companionship apart from Christ alone in the first place, until I am fully satisfied in Him alone.

I want God's love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and goodness and faithfulness and gentleness and self-control to flow out of me. I want to be joyfully proclaiming His name and the message because I live, breathe and believe it. Right now, I don't constantly live, breathe and believe it. I'm just being honest. I have been teaching and training students to live out a faith that I don't always understand or know myself. We've been going through deep idols and the difference in self-righteousness/licentiousness, which are not gospel-true. Yet, all along, I've just been in teach mode, but not in learn mode. Oh, how much I struggle with the idols of control and approval, which manifest themselves all of over my life. What a self-righteous life I lead! I grew up on a "Christian checklist" and earning my salvation through a works-based faith, and I'm still doing that! With my head, I can tell you that grace is unmerited favor, but my heart is still hard to believe it. Lord, help my unbelief!

I found an old journal entry from June 21, 2010, very short, very heavy, very exasperated. 
"Show me how to have an intimate relationship with You. Faith based on head knowledge. View of love based on earning." 

I have been saying with my mouth, "I give these things up to God, they are in His control." But with my heart, I have then taken them, locked them away in a metaphorical trunk labeled, "IN GOD'S WILL, THANK YOU."  I truly want to open my grasp and give Him control, but I think it has to be a daily giving up, daily struggle. I read something that said "If you keep trying to carry out your intentions while God is leading you in another direction, you deify your desires." Ouch! And so, because I'm so forgetful, I've taken some visible actions to remind myself daily the things I want to give to God and discover His will for me. Not write my will for them, and label them "God's will." Things like control, the future, Germany (my long to go there can be idolatrous, even if it is what the Lord wants), desire for companionship, marriage, my whole heart, desire for independence, approval, comfort, school. I'm giving them over, but I will have to loosen my grip on the things I cling to daily. And so, daily, it shall be.